When They Look Back

March 7th marked the one-year anniversary of my brother-in-law’s death and these thoughts have been circling my mind since…”what will I leave behind, what will they remember about me when I am gone, what will my legacy be?”

Legacy: a gift by will especially money or other personal property.

Well, my kids are screwed if that’s how legacy is defined! Thanks Merriam-Webster! Definitely no abundance in the bank account or major personal property, so does that mean I don’t have a legacy to leave to my kids? How can a six-letter word weigh so much on my heart?

I flipped over another page of the calendar today and I feel like I am running out of time to figure this out. The most messed up part is that I am 45 years old and yet when my eyes meet my reflection in the passing mirror I see a scared teen not the adult woman, mother, wife, or professional that I have worked so hard to become. Am I the only 45 year old woman that feels this way? Maybe that’s just a question for my therapist…

Back to the original question…what legacy will I leave behind? I don’t know. All I know right now is that I can’t give up on figuring that out because then what am I teaching my kids…give up when it’s hard?!?! Fuck no! Everything I do (or don’t do) is picked up by my kids. That! That is what’s building the legacy! The resilience. The determination. The curiosity. The pain. The joy. The mistakes. All of it!! So I don’t know what exactly that legacy will look like…but for now I will keep laying the blocks with no concrete image of what the end product will look like but knowing the foundation will be strong.

How are you building your legacy?

2017: Kicked out of the “Comfort Zone”


Yes…at a quick glance, “uncomfortable” is the word that sums up my 2017. I mean I freakin turned 40, I lost my job and found myself unemployed for 3 months, I didn’t get the original role I interviewed for when I finally found employment, we have a toddler, a high school kid and a college kid and did I mention I turned 40?!? And I am trying to help others take control of their health…oh…and get this blog thing going.

So why uncomfortable?

Because to start, I had a hard time facing the fact that I turned 40 (if you haven’t figured that out yet and I will be 41 a month from tomorrow). Why did it bother me, because I came in believing that I had nothing to show for it, that I should be somewhere else in my life at this point, that I should be more “successful”, have a “bigger title” in my career, that I should be BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Yep, that was my first lesson this year! And then it hit me…”BITCH! You ARE 40 and SO WHAT!” First and foremost my 3 kids, hubby and I are healthy! I have a wonderful husband that puts up with my crazy and supports my ideas and indecisions. We have a beautiful home and though they may be few…I have quality friendships. Oh yeah, and I rocked out a 40th birthday photo session with the one and only Photos by Lulu!

Then, as previously mentioned in my blogs, I lost my job. I had NEVER been unemployed in 23 years! I had to take my son out of daycare, I couldn’t help my husband with our bills, I sent out resumes and completed endless applications and NOTHING for 3 months! Despite my years of experience, I couldn’t get the roles I longed for…but God has a funny way of doing things and after finally becoming employed I realized that title was NOT everything and that the title should not determine the quality of my work or the effort I put into everything I do. I can make a difference no matter the title on my business card…

And yes, our 3 kids are our hearts…and are represented in every gray hair that has entered and reentered my scalp this year, but I wouldn’t change a thing…ok, I’m lying I might change one or two things, lol…but I would still keep all 3.

This year has taught me how to “grow and learn” in that uncomfortable space. It taught me that I can overcome hard times, that when I put my heart in it I can do hard things, it taught me to overcome self doubt and just put myself out there (as I do in my blogs), it’s taught me to own my faults (but yes hubby, I am still learning to master this one) and it’s taught me to believe in myself even when the results are not immediate and take time.

This year I freakin turned 40, started a new blog, started my new IG and Facebook page for my fitness journey, started a new job, kept all 3 of my kids alive and well, celebrated another wedding anniversary and started to believe in me. Yes many uncomfortable moments and maybe in the scheme of things, it doesn’t look like much success but I do believe that 2017 has set me up to KICK ASS in 2018. So if you had too many IF ONLY…THEN moments in 2017….recognize it, let it go and let’s get this 2018 PARTY STARTED!!!! It’s either “one day or DAY ONE!” What will you choose?




Before the curtains close…

This past week has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions and reminders. Last week I attended the farewell service of my lil guy’s daycare teacher. Her passing was unexpected and when I found out I was in shock. She had been a part of my son’s life since he was 10 weeks old (he is 3 1/2 now). We had not seen her in over a month but I know she was waiting for him to return once I found employment. She adored him and was always so attentive and loving towards him and all her kids. She was truly an Angel on Earth. At her service, everyone that stood up to say a little something about her remembered her in the same loving and selfless light. What a beautiful legacy she left behind. I left her service with tears in my eyes but I was quickly reminded as I felt the warm light of the sun on my skin and the glare of the rays in my eyes…I AM ALIVE! As I walked to the car, I couldn’t help but wonder, what legacy will I leave behind? What have I done? Have I made lasting, loving and positive deposits into others lives?

Then this weekend my little family and I headed up to Orlando for my bonus daughter’s Open House at UCF. There we all were…hubby, our almost 14 year old, our 3 year old and our soon to be college kid. Where have the years gone? After the tour we sat over lunch and discussed all the amazing opportunities she has ahead and then looked at our calendars to realize we only have 4 more weekends like this one before she starts her first Summer semester at UCF. Here’s the down side of divorce, we have shared custody of our older kids. We have them throughout the week and every other weekend. It’s been this way since the beginning, almost 8 years, but for the first time we are facing the reality that all this will soon change. Yes, we have tried to raise our children to be independent and successful and we truly rejoice in the fact that our once lil miss has grown to a beautiful, smart, and goal-oriented young lady. However, it doesn’t take away the fact that our little family unit will be changing and our scheduled weekends together, family vacations and weekday dinner times will soon be minus 1. So again, as we drove back home, I couldn’t help but wonder, have we planted the right seeds in our children’s lives? What can we do for these last 4 weekends together that will create lasting memories? I know it’s NOT our last weekend EVER, but the reality is that as our kids grow and they go off to college and begin their own lives…things change and we as parents no longer have complete control. So now our lives revolve around the time we have left, the time we still have a LITTLE control over (yes, just a little because she is a teenager and as much as we may want to be together as a family, she prefers her friends and her boyfriend…yes that dose of reality SUCKS).

And all this shared to remind us all that life is SO short and we don’t know when our time may end and the curtains will close. When you take the time to be honest with yourself and reflect on what you have done, whose life have you positively impacted, what do you want others to remember you by…what does that heart to heart conversation sound like? As you’ve moved through the different “acts” in your life, your role as a daughter, son, sibling, spouse, parent, friend, aunt or uncle…have you enjoyed each role to the max? Have you been extraordinary or have you underperformed? Every act has a beginning and an end…before the curtain closes, how will your “performance” be remembered?